feelings.

When I was younger I knew something was different about me. I often felt like I was living in a bubble. I had friends but when I was with them, it always felt like there was a them and a me. Sometimes it felt like there was a glass wall in between. Out of the blue, sounds would become distorted and everything was over defined. It was like a switch had been flipped. Like going from a regular TV channel to an HD one. Sometimes my chest would become tight and it was like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs. I only recently learned the term for this experience. Derealization. I have experienced this throughout my life and because of it I put up walls to protect myself. I used to think that feeling depressed was the worst thing in the world. I forced myself to push the emotions away. I now realize that the worst feeling in the world is not being able to feel at all. I began to mimic the way other people felt and acted. If something sad happened, I would be sad. But similarly to a parrot, I was only projecting what others were showing. This often led to people thinking I was insincere or cold. I had built up so many walls that I couldn't bring them down myself and neither could anyone else. My friend once told me that when she was sad, it made her chest physically hurt. I nodded and agreed saying it happened to me too but I lied. I felt that I had to pretend I had the same feelings so I wouldn't be ostracized. When my uncle died, I couldn't cry. I waited for that pain in my chest but instead, all I felt was empty. As if every ounce of emotion had been ripped from my body. And in a way, that satisfied me. It meant I was strong. I wasn't some helpless child. I started to see feelings and emotions as flaws. Things that could be used against me. I pushed people away in fear that I would become soft. I had been hurt by so many people that I hated letting myself befriend others. Often, when I felt I was becoming too close to a person, I would purposely hurt them. I figured that if I hurt them before they could hurt me, I would still be strong. Or if I actively worked to make them hate me, at least I would know, rather than having someone leave me without a reason. So many people walked out of my life without a care and left me broken. I wouldn't let myself be broken ever again. I still have these walls. But I am trying to break them down. I am trying to let myself love again.

Eden.